More often than I’d like to admit, I find myself staring into space. My mind a swirl of ideas and thoughts. I’m bathed in silence and yet my mind won’t quiet. Tonight I had one of these such moments. In fact, it’s probably more blog-worthy if it was a night in which I didn’t.
I was watching Netflix’s new drop, Sierra Burgess Is A Loser. I don’t know what I was expecting but it surpassed whatever expectation I did have. There’s a moment near the end where this song is finally revealed and can I just take a moment to say how both sad and incredibly beautiful it is.
This is where I found myself lost. The movie ended and I googled the song to hear it one more time. I laid back on my bed, crossed my legs and listened. Not many of you probably know this about me, but sunflowers are one of my favorites. For as far back as I can remember. Not because they are the most beautiful flower, or it smells the best, or likely any other reason you could think of.
Once upon a time, I was asked to pick a flower that would describe me best. I’ve never felt beautiful like a rose, or a lily, or even as confident as a daisy. But a Sunflower? Yea. I’m strong and sturdy. The world has put me through hell and my stocks never broke. I’m the brightest realist you’ll ever meet. When I tell people I love sunflowers, a solid 9/10 times, someone makes a face. Crinkled nose and a Really? inevitably follow.
Why? Asked one friend of mine just a couple of weeks ago. I just shook my head, because all I could think was I’m a sunflower. Which sounded so stupid in my head. But tonight I watched a new movie and it had a new song and it made me think of all the reasons I’m a sunflower. It was like she took the words right out of my mind.
On that odd level… Feeling like both the outcast and the person who doesn’t need anyone’s approval. Feeling like the person who isn’t quite good enough for the world but couldn’t give a shit most of the time. That walking contradiction. A sunflower is sturdy, bright, and seems to be dancing with arms spread wide. It’s a flower which doesn’t give a shit and always needed to be useful not just pretty.
For more than an hour I’ve doodling sunflowers and trying to write anything else. But in my experience, sometimes you just have to go there and put the things weighing on your mind into the verse and walk away.
Here’s the song if anyone cares to give it a listen. It’s quite worth it.