Miranda Levi

I think it’s been a good long while since I’ve written one of these. So what has been happening?

So flipping much.

Well, y’all know I moved in with my lover, we got engaged, and now our wedding is two months away! My gods above, how quickly time flies by. Nothing has gone quite as planned. Early on, I embraced the chaos. As long as I get to marry my best friend, dance a little, and share it with friends and family, my heart will be full.

I didn’t realize how much heartache would come from planning a wedding. I went into this incredibly naive thinking that everyone would celebrate our love. That the people who have always mattered most would be there.

I guess in most ways that’s true. The ones who will be there are the ones that matter most now.

Thinking about it all, hurts.

One of my closest friends, who was supposed to be in my wedding, was not so thrilled about it. And while his congratulations felt less than genuine, I had hoped he’d come around. But then he said some shitty things, and I called him out. I asked him to stop disregarding my feelings, and he ignored the request severalfold. I’ve spent years in therapy learning to stand up for myself. No one gets to treat me the way he did. For a long time, I chalked up his reactions to his own personal life. Maybe he was going through stuff and just needed time. But as time passed, I realized that wasn’t the case. He wrote me out of his life for standing up for myself. He’s never asked about the wedding or expressed wanting to still be part of it. There isn’t a day that goes by when I don’t think about him, where his actions don’t hurt.

How quickly I didn’t matter.

That was only the start.

My own grandmother has no intentions of coming. Not because she doesn’t support our love, but because it’s just not important enough to make the time for. My aunt has a similar story. Now my brother-in-law isn’t coming either.

Until a couple of weeks ago, I didn’t think my dad would be there either.

I know that our brains will focus on the negative over the postive. I know that whle I have 100 guests coming and happy for us, I can’t help but focus my attention on the four who aren’t.

So I want to focus on the positive things for a few moments.

I’m having a rainbow themed wedding.

My mom is going to wear a sparkly purple dress and it makes my heart happy.

We have lights and rainbow themed acrutramonts. There are crystals and scrabble tiles and bumble bee charms. We have places booked, and a friend who’s going to play guitar, and a lot of love.

We have a lot of love.

Peter is the best man I have ever known. I have never felt anxious about him or in his arms. For the first time in my life I feel supported, and unconditionally loved, and more than that, I get to just be me. Flaws and all. I don’t have to be any version of myself or worry about the things I think or feel. I can tell him all of it and he loves me more. He knows all my darkest secrets and kisses me and tells me it’s going to be okay. That even if it sucks, he’ll hold my hand the whole way. He’s equally as open and himself with me. Before Peter, I never thought this kind of love existed. It was a thing of storybooks and fairytales. I’ve read romance novels but real life is so much better.

So in these moments of heartache I will remember all of the good. I will try to hold onto the joy.

Happy Saturday,

M