I have this innate survival mode where I cut ties with those who cause me harm and heart ache. I’m not talking like I just stop seeing them for a while, or eventually I’ll forgive and get on. No… it’s more like I’ve decided that I’m done. Simply done fighting, I’m done feeling like crap or being treated like crap, I’m just done with all of it and I walk away without looking back. desperate

Sometimes this has been a very beneficial trait and other times it’s been slightly detrimental. I think that so far the ‘win’ count is on my side but it doesn’t make the ‘loose’ count any easier.

Lately I’ve been feeling these same cut all ties feelings. Except that it’s with family, and in my mind family means that you think doubly hard about your decisions. Because if we don’t have family, then what is there? Sometimes I day dream about how much easier my life would be if I didn’t have said ties to people who’ve done nothing but dig a knife deeper and deeper into my already tender and scared heart. Would I be happier? Maybe. Maybe not. I guess in the end we all  have our versions of a  George Bailey moment (Mine are just about other people gone, not myself). The question really sits with whether or not Clarence pulls through and shows me that life would be worse without them.

Maybe I’ve just found my next novel. Maybe this will be the year that I start believing in Christmas miracles.  Or….