This evening I’ve been reading through some old poetry and letters I wrote nearly ten years ago. There was a moment in one that struck me. I think the core of who I am, hasn’t changed much over the years. My beliefs, the way I see the world, even the things that scare me.
But I am stronger now.
There was one poem in which I express great pain over fear. Fear of being unaccepted, fear of not being worthy of love, fear of all the things in life that meant trusting. I talked a lot about trust and my struggles with it and the joys brought from overcoming my fear of it.
In a lot of ways, I am the same person I was ten years ago. I still love to dance under the moon and curse at the stars. I still love the little quiet moments in life. I still have big dreams and enough hope for ten. I always look for the silver lining because I truly believe there is one. I still believe in the red strings of fate and she is a fickle beast who is due a sacrifice. I believe love will bridge any distance and I believe in that which can not always be seen.
But I am stronger now.
I read of a girl who was too afraid of life to live it. Six months from those letters, she takes big steps at changing her little existence. In these ways and so many others, we are not the same. I’ve learned to fight for the things that are important to me. To take up a battle ax, even when the big guns scare me. I have learned that the really amazing things in life rarely come easy. Often they take me fighting for them to keep. Maybe it’s the INFJ and the recluse inside. The passive voice in my head makes everything I want in life something I have to work for. But that voice and I broke bread. I accepted the challenge and I chose my battles. I refuse to lose something that was worth fighting for because I was too afraid to fight.
I am wiser now too.
I’ve learned to recognize that life isn’t always going to bring about second chances. Sometimes we have to hold tight and go on the ride because we’ll miss it otherwise. We don’t always get moments to breath, sometimes we just have to leap. The world is a big place and yet oh so small. Filled with people and adventures and moments which make it all worth the effort. A hard lesson.
If I’m wrong. If not for all those moments then pray tell, what for?