On Tattoos

IMG_7303 2 copy.JPGTo my best recollection, I’ve never talked about a tattoo on here before. I’ve never gotten one that wasn’t a personal choice. Meaning, I don’t get them to share or gloat with the world. But this one feels special. It feels like maybe if I tell it’s story, it might resonate with someone in the vast internet void. This little story might matter. So for that reason alone, I’m going to share.

Every tattoo I have marks a significant moment in my life. I have one I got on my 18th birthday, one when I left everything I knew and started a brand new life without knowing a single soul. I have one from when I decided to go into business for myself. There is one I got when I started to embrace life again after a long period of time where I felt emotionally shut down. It’s my daily reminder to not throw away my shot. And most recently I added this one to the meat canvas.

Sunflowers have always been my favorite. I am a sunflower (read this post if you want to know why). In the center are separate things. The first is Dagaz, a rune. The idea attached to this rune has changed my view of life. I am doing my damnedest to embrace the idea of Radical Trust. Putting faith into the world, into the people I love, and more importantly, putting faith in myself. I need the reminder, every day. There are days when it’s easy to remember. Those are the best ones. And there are days when it’s really hard and it feels like I’m never going to be able to trust anything again. Those are the days I really need this in my life. Those are the days for which I inked my body. The days when it’s not easy.

Maybe you know, maybe you don’t, but a “semicolon is used when an author could have chosen to end their sentence but chose not to. Except, in this case, you’re the author and the sentence is your life.” Project Semicolon is dedicated to the prevention of suicide. I lost an old high school friend to suicide nearly two years ago now. We had recently reconnected after several years. I was over the moon to meet up and get coffee and find out what had been going on in his life. He was one of my besties in high school and in so many of my fondest memories. I really thought we had all the time in the world. To my core, I thought, we’d meet up and catch and all would be grand…. whenever I got around to it. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to see him, but life and things, and stuff. Not even three months later, he took his own life. I had to read about it on the book faces. I was sitting at my dining room table and I read it over and over and over again, IMG_2935expecting the words to somehow change. Expecting to wake up from this sudden nightmare I found myself trapped in. He was gone. I don’t think that I could have changed his mind. But I could have had one last visit. I could have taken the time I did have and used it to be his friend. I could have had an old friend back in my life, even for a short while. I’ve regretted that for too long. Every time I think of him, I’d get weepy and beat myself up for letting the opportunity slip through my fingers. We only get one life. I missed my chance with him and I regret it every single day. I’ve only recently made peace with this. With the friendship, I missed out on because I took time for granted. I don’t ever want to take time, or, my friends, or any opportunity for granted again.

Lastly, ravens are one of my spirit animals. I have a raven who comes to visit me, every day. He’s stunning. I find when I am in my worst place mentally, one shows up as a reminder. A reminder to love me and let things be. When I question things in my life, I hear it’s croak. When I’m high on happy, one always catches my eye, telling me to enjoy it. He’s the constant I need during the storm that is life. They’re a symbol of transformation which is something I’ve been going through this year. Ravens hold a sacred spot in my heart and now on my meat canvas too.

Sometimes I need a reminder that life will work itself out. To have faith in myself, even when I fuck up. Maybe more so then. To have trust in those who I let into my life. Even when they fuck up. Most definitely then. To believe that the universe has my back. Life isn’t easy, but it doesn’t have to feel lonely or hard all the time. It can be quite grand. Life is in the little moments. The things that make you smile and giggle. It’s in the friendships we build and the choices we make and all those silly moments in between.

So I’m a sunflower and I decided to tattoo one to my body. I love it. It’s a little bit more light in my world.

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