I’ve not always believed in affirmations. At some point, probably after I read a study that showed the positive effects like this one, or this one, I started to. Last year I picked up a blank journal for the first time in years. I used to journal every now and then. Mostly when life was either really good or really bad. But rarely in between. I’ve found that it’s those in-between moments that I probably need it the most.

It’s easy to be thankful when you’re happy or complain when you’re sad. But what about all the times when life is maintaining? I decided I’d end every entry with an affirmation. I’d write positive things about myself and where I wanted my life to go, to the end of the page. If I was already at the end of a page, then I’d have to write a full page of affirmations before I closed the book. What I’ve found surprised me. In a months time, I filled an entire journal. I think that’s the first time I’ve ever done that. I started to carry it with me on long days. I’d write down whatever thoughts bombarded me. I quickly realized that by writing down my worries, my ah-ha moments, memories that surfaced, positive thoughts, negative ones, anything really, I was getting all of it out there. It no longer stirred in me. Things that might have lingered for days, only lingered till I could write them out. I’ve learned to let a lot of things go. Things that hurt or I might let tear me down in the past – I’ve been able to forgive, breath out, and move on from. I see growth.

Every new year and if I’m being honest, I refresh this list on my birthday, I like to think of the things I want to change in my life. The things I accomplished in the last year. Anything doesn’t fit, I try to let go of. A lot of people do spring cleaning, purging all the crap from their life. I like to do it in December and January. I’m fairly confident the thrift store thinks I’m a hoarder because of all the crap I’ve dropped off there in recent weeks.

So what is it that I want out of 2019? I don’t like to think of this as resolutions, as most of those fail. Instead, I like to look at this as healthy realistic changes my life needs. Last year I wanted to become healthier. So I lost more than 100 lbs. I had to buy an entirely new wardrobe and while my pocketbook still hurts, I’ve never felt more confident in my own skin. I also wanted to deal with some of my emotional baggage. We all have it, some of us more than others. I didn’t want to carry it around forever. It’s quite heavy. There are some things I truly believe with a fiery passion. For example, I know I have deep-rooted trust issues and maybe someday I’ll be able to discuss them further on this platform. Today is no that day. But I have learned one thing. You have to trust the people who you let into your life. You can not hold someone responsible for things someone else did that might have harmed you. It’s not fair to anyone. You’re only setting yourself up for failure and to hurt those you care about. I have been working through my baggage this year. A lot of it is about self-love. Never feeling good enough or worthy. Needless to say, every journal entry contains things like, I am worthy of love, I am good enough...etc. If I’m being totally honest with you and myself, it’s probably the first time in my life I actually believe those words. I’ve always been good at faking self-confidence. Someone once said, fake it till you make it. There might actually be something to that. Because I truly know, I am worthy and I am enough. I’m fucking amazing. And anyone who says different I don’t actually need in my life.

In my pocket every day, I carry a couple of things around. A piece of Snowflake Obsidian to remind me to let go of the things I can’t control. To accept what is and know that if something is meant to happen, it will. I thumb this when I feel anxious. It’s a physical reminder, only a pocket away, that I am the only thing in life I can control. I also have a small piece of Onyx as well. There is this beautiful shamanistic thought about Onyx I love. Onyx is thought to provide strong intuitive guidance, first into the darkness and eventually out toward the light. I’ve recently gone into the dark this last year, and I’ve been letting go and making peace with it. The light is no longer miles away, but I feel it all around. I think I keep the Onyx as a reminder of how far I’ve come this last year. Of who I was and who am and who I’ll be.

But what do you want to do in 2019 Miranda? I want to continue down this path of self-love and change. I’d like to continue to become healthier. I’ve considered taking up boxing, although I just want to hit things, I don’t actually want to be hit. So I may have to rethink this. I want to continue to fill journals, I know this works for me. Writing everything down without fear of who might read it, makes me feel better. Self-affirmations also must continue. I’ve started to believe the things I write and only more good can come of that. I’ve taken some time from writing fiction in the last few months and I need to refocus my attention. There has been so much interpersonal and outer upheaval I’ve haven’t had the focus needed to accomplish everything I want. This must change. Things will slow back into a nice pattern in January and with that will come proper time to write again. Lastly, I want to be open to whatever the world throws my way. I want to be open to new people, adventures, opportunities, and everything life has to offer.

It would not feel right to leave this entry without some self-affirmations. I’m looking forward to 2019 and everything it brings.

I am worthy of love. I am exceptional and you are lucky to know me. My size does not define me. I am happy. I am so enough, it’s unbelievable how enough I am. I am capable and I am strong. My past does not define me. I can only control myself, my choices, and how I react to life. I will let the bullshit slide down my back. I will let it all go. Bullshit will not ruin my day, my week, or my life. I am better than that. Someone thinks I’m amazing and smiles when my names crosses their lips. I am worthy of love. I am exceptional. I am enough.