Two years ago, I would have been a sobbing mess on a day like today. I would be spiraling into an abyss without knowing how to climb out.
Today, my mind wants to spiral. There are moments when tears prick at my eyes but I push forward despite my insides physically hurting. Anxiety does that to me. It makes my stomach hurt and my head foggy. Like I can’t think straight or process the words coming out of someone’s mouth. I feel like I’m constantly asking for people to repeat themselves.
Yesterday I left work happy. I had one of those rare good Mondays where I left laughing. The kids were good and funny and really just made me smile a lot. I edited several pages and face timed my best friend for a couple of hours after work. Yesterday was fine.
Today, before the first bell could ring, I was informed that the schedule I poured hours and hours of my own time into was for not. That my workload just increased by depressing levels and the hours of website building and curriculum building won’t matter in a week. Not to mention the dedication and hard work of my students. The reasons don’t matter for this platform. I’ll just say I feel lied to and unheard.
I want nothing more than to love what I do. There are moments, like yesterday where I do. From the bottom of my everything, love pours out. And there are days like today where I feel like survival is my endgame.
Tomorrow I find out if my fear of going blind is actually cause for anxiety or if my astigmatism is just that bad. I’m terrified. There’s a part of me that is genuinely concerned I’m losing vision in my right eye. Learning, either way, will be moving forward. Logically, I know this. Despite the fact that when I think about it, I want to throw up.
My stomach hurts.
I don’t want to complain. Sometimes I hate that I can’t escape my own head. My own fears and anxiety. Most days, weeks, hell, even months I am stronger than her. I am in control of my thoughts and fears. I can let them go, logic them out, count away the shakey moments. But once in a while, she has the better of me. She tells me that every one of my fears are true. She says that every possible bad thing that can happen, will happen.
I hate her.
I want to vomit.