In the past couple of weeks, I’ve been feeling anxious about life. I mean, to be fair, we are in the middle of a pandemic. So I want a partial pass with this bout anxiety. I hear the whole world is hurting in one way or another.
I’ve always tried to be as honest as possible in my life and particularly on this blog. When I’m not feeling up to being so vulnerable, I just don’t write. Because being vulnerable sucks sometimes. It’s hard, and it leaves you feeling open, and like those around you could do some serious damage if they wanted to. Despite this, being vulnerable is one of my core beliefs. Something I’ve recently remembered. I’m really good at putting up a wall and keeping people at arm’s length. If it was an Olympic sport, I’d have a gold medal. But I don’t think that’s something to be proud of.
Having courage is one of my other core beliefs. I’m basically scared of life. I always have been. I’m sure that a therapist or anyone with enough knowledge of my life’s history could explain it. I don’t need it explained away, though. I’m making peace with it. A little more every single day. I strive to be a better, more courageous, honest, and vulnerable version of myself. Even in small moments. Sometimes, those moments backfire, and I’m left wondering if I’ve just made the biggest mistake of my life. But then I have to remember that life takes courage and honesty. As long as I’m being the most honest version of myself I can be, then I’m doing okay. It’s when I feel like I’m living a lie that I have to stop and check myself.
I did this recently. I felt like I wasn’t the most honest version of myself, and I owned up to feeling a certain way. Not explaining the way I felt, had been causing some of its own anxiety for the past couple of months. I’m still unsure of what my world looks like right now. In the middle of this pandemic, it’s a lot of me, myself, and I. Oh, how I wish the world could go back in time just a little. Just for a day, to a moment where it was safe to be around everyone I love and hold dear.
I was glancing through a social media account, and an old teacher and friend of mine reposted one of my blogs. I clicked and read my own words once more. In the middle of uncertainty and fear, they were the thing I needed to read. Even if the world doesn’t right itself the way I want it to, I will be okay. I will mend. I have survived all of my worst days. I am scared, and a little bit broke, but I am worthy.
Please read these words here: On Broken Roads.
They are some of the best I’ve written.
May you have the ability to hold those you love dear.