There is this fountain of words inside of me. I reach my hand out to grasp them, only they slip through. Water beads down my wrist and the words are lost again. They get lost in the emotions which come in waves.
I want to ask why but I don’t really want to hear the answer. Besides, your answer doesn’t change anything. It won’t take away how I feel about you. Or the future which slowly outlined itself in my head. You won’t magically change your mind. Your words won’t fill the void you’ve left in my life. I want to flip the light switch and hide you away. Hide from the hurt I know exists when I turn it back on.
You brought more light into my life than you did darkness. You taught me a lot about myself and the kind of person I want to be. For the first time in my life, I wasn’t the odd one out. Now I’m just another story for you to share. I can’t parse that out yet. I don’t know how to step forward without you. You were my best friend and favorite person. The kicker is, you still are. I can’t wake up and make it real again. I want to close my eyes and blink you back. You provided me with the strength to consider having a family. Something I never let myself think about before, for reasons I never got to tell you. You made me believe that I could accomplish anything.
How do people do this? My insides feel shredded. Every breath is a fresh stab.
My heart, broken.
Another year gone. I don’t regret you. “It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.” You are dream and I just have to figure out how to live again.