I’ve been angry at the world. Not just a few months of anger watching my life embody the tower forever falling, but a lifetime of grievances. I’m exhausted both mentally and emotionally. I’m mad at people; I’m mad at situations; I’m mad at all the things which find their base in ego and selfishness. Most of all, I think I’m angry at myself. I’m angry that I live my life through the lens of fear. That this fear gets to dictate when I am able to find my voice and when it seems elusive. I’ve worked a fucking lifetime on squashing this fear. On stepping into the person who is before you.
I know the anger will ease and fade into the background of my life. It won’t hold control forever. The list of reasons is far too long, and most leave me far too vulnerable for my own comfort. At the end of the day, I can’t change things. I can’t change the past. I can’t fix the future. More than both of those combined, the only thing I have control over is my own actions.
I am the one thing in life I can control.
I’ve been working a virtual list. Trying to right wrongs. Taking ownership of my emotions and actions or, in some cases, inaction. I’ve been having some hard overdue conversations with loved ones. Working on boundaries and knowing my limitations. Knowing when I have to walk away, for me. Learning that it’s okay to want what’s best for me. It’s okay to put myself at the center of my life. I don’t want to live a life where I hold regret. I know I can’t fix the moments in my life when I messed up. I can’t take it back or play the redo game. I can forgive myself and try to move on. I refuse to live my life always wondering what if. I don’t want to dwell on bad things. Life can be wonderful, and I want nothing more than to embrace that. Working through this anger is part of the process.
I’ve thought long and hard about this post. Debating for several weeks how to go about putting this into the universe.
I’ve spent a lifetime making art. If you’ve only known me for the last ten years, you probably know Miranda, the writer. But for the few who have known me longer, they knew Miranda, the artist. They knew I always carried a sketchbook, that all of my clothes were covered in charcoal or paint—every extracurricular surrounded art. For a decade straight, everyone I knew got a painting—a Miranda original. But life gets busy, and choices must be made where prioritization of time is essential. We all grow up.
For many years now, I’ve dreamed of creating a tarot deck. I’ve been reading tarot for twelve years for other people. Once upon a time, I even gave readings on the regular to my community. That was many years ago now. I’ve always had this itch to create my own deck. To add something of myself to what I consider a stunning art form. About two months ago, I started this endeavor to build an Oracle Deck. When my life began to move into this state of transformation, I needed something to focus my energy into. I poured my heart into creating art for this deck. What started as a handful of pieces quickly changed into requests from friends and family. I found a website to post them where anyone can purchase prints and various garb. Turns out, people like it. I guess while I know this is what I wanted, I was still a little surprised by it.
Finding a productive and creative way to channel all of my hurt and anger has been a blessing that I don’t have adequate words for. I wish I did. There’s part of me that still is waiting to wake up and have this budding creation be a dream. But every day, it’s still there, and I smile at what I’m creating. This is my heart. I’ve put love and tears and research and time, my life into making these cards. It’s not easy. Not just the work involved, but admitting all of this to the world. Most people think that tarot is woo-woo hippy stuff. But I’ve seen it change lives. These beautiful pieces of art have the ability to tell a story. If you’re open to it, you might find that the story resonants with your life. If you’re open to it, you might even learn something about yourself, find a bit of guidance, or bring a little bit of positivity into your life. Unfortunately, there is a certain amount of stigma attached to things like tarot. If there is one thing I’ve spent a lifetime avoiding, it’s stigma. Part of owning who I am and letting go of anger is announcing to the world I’m making this project a reality.
I’ve set out to create something that anyone can use. Whether you are entirely new to tarot, like my mother (who I think is enjoying learning about the cards as I create them) or you’ve been reading for years, and this is old hat. A new deck becomes a glorious addition to your collection and a fun new tool. I set out to make something not just pretty but useful. Something that will resonate in your heart of hearts. I want to create a Kickstarter when I finish. I want to offer it up to the Universe and cross my fingers; someone else in the void is also excited about it. I’ve included a few of my cards here. I’m hoping this is the start of finding some virtual support for this project. This vast undertaking has my full attention. It has no name yet, but I know it will come. The perfect name will present itself, and when it does, you’ll be the first to know. Until then, please cross your fingers with me.
Cheers – M