For the last three months I’ve logged into this account nearly every day. Countless times I’ve opened a new document to write a post. To let the void know of the ups and downs in life. To look for something inspirational to share. And every time, I closed it. Maybe I wrote a few words but ultimately, I closed every single document, failing to find words to express life and or my emotions.
So where to start.
Let’s start with today and work backward. Today I watched the inauguration of our 46th president and more than that, I watched our first WOMAN vice president. I never thought I’d live to see the day. When Joe Biden spoke of her I broke down in tears, sobbing. Utterly overwhelmed by emotions I didn’t know I possessed. I can remember being young and being told women couldn’t be in positions of power. That a woman, would never be president or vice president. It felt wrong then, and that feeling never went away. I’ve spent my entire life fighting to feel equal to men. Not superior, just equal. That’s not even touching on the topic of safety. I’m overwhelmed and filled with joy that a woman is finally at the table. We are 51% of of the population, and for the first time in our country’s history, we have representation at the second to the highest position of power. It’s amazing and long overdue.
We’ve had record rain in Washington. While the records were set in January, the rain really started in December. I live in a basement apartment and it flooded. I have a slumlord instead of a landlord. Which equates to weeks of fighting to get it fixed, being forced out of my apartment because of black mold and an asthma attack. I had my first full blown panic attack in years. It was horrific. For those of you who know what it’s like being unable to breathe, having an elephant siting on your chest, gasping for air between uncontrollable sobs, darkened vision and the feeling like you might die because the inability to breathe might never stop… then you know it’s the worst. Unfortunately I’m not in a position to move, so figuring out how to continue to live in this shit hole for a few more months is my only option. I have a couple of really amazing supportive friends and a mother, father, and brother in law who literally dropped everything on different occasions to come help me move furniture, clean carpets, move more furniture, and clean more carpets.
There was a knee injury in early December, where I was on crutches and there was a subsequent three weeks of healing. I hate feeling trapped and like I have no control over my life. I’m sure it’s been the combination of all things over the last six months that just brought me to that breaking point. I am breathing all the things out. I am trying to focus on the things I do have control over.
Oof, it’s been a a lot the last couple of months.
I tried dating, went on a few dates and it didn’t go the way I expected. Not to say that dating in the middle of a pandemic is easy, by any means. I think when I first started, I was still in love with my ex, and I didn’t know how to parse him out of my thoughts. I felt guilty for wanting to move on and guilty for liking another man, even a little. Like I was betraying myself and him. I’ve had a lot of time to process those feelings. One of the men I went on a couple of dates with, has become a friend. We decided not to date, early. He wasn’t ready and if I’m honest with myself, I don’t think I was either. Besides, through friendship I’ve learned we want very different things and I won’t settle on those points. I’m thankful for his friendship and I’m working on sorting the rest out.
Lately, I think about my lack of commitments in Washington. I don’t know that I actually want to leave here. I love Washington. But… Maybe it’s time for a change. I’m still looking for work, I’m not in a relationship, I don’t love my city, and I just feel a bit lost. I don’t know what I want to do with my life. I had plans and I don’t anymore. Which has maybe been one of the hardest things I’ve been working through. Knowing I was on a specific path and suddenly that path is gone. I’m left feeling lost in the woods and I can’t find my way back. Someone said I should look at everything as a fresh start. While that sounds amazing, the only thing I’ve ever wanted is roots.
So what have I been doing with my time? I finished making a tarot deck. Like super finished. And then wasn’t sure it was right. So, I was working on it again, and working the oracle deck angle. I have so many ideas and I’m not confident which way I want to take it, or what a consumer might want. Ultimately I think I want to make a kick-starter and sell it myself. I’m working on a platform at the moment. I’ve created a TikTok account and you can follow me there, I’m @LivingColorTarot. Right now I post daily three card tarot readings. I’ve been reading for more than a decade but it’s always been by word of mouth. I’m working on building a social media base before I release my deck. If you or anyone you know has created a product and released on their own, I would love to pick your brain.
Looking forward, I’m trying not to be upset that I won’t get a birthday two years in a row. Instead I’m thinking of going on a small trip. A covid safe, long weekend. And a rock tumbler. I really want a rock tumbler to make my raw crystals soft and beautiful. I’ve never used one and I hear they can be really loud. BUT, if a quiet one exists, I’ll find it. I also really want some more matching books for my DVDs so that I can slowly swap more DVD wall space for book space. Retail therapy is real, don’t judge.
Any who. This is a long winded way of saying I miss you all. I’m sorry I’ve been absent. I’m doing my best to bridge the gap. I promise whatever I write next time will be far more up beat.