On Creating and Life

Sometimes I feel like a thousand ideas are running through my brain and not enough time in the day to process them, let alone even decide what to do with them. But let’s give it a try; I’ll list them out and in the comments, hit me with your best advice!

I made a tarot deck that I love. I posted it for sale on a random website and have no idea what to do with it from here. Do I create a Kickstarter and give it a proper go? I feel a little in over my head. I think that I have something beautiful, and I’ve received a lot of praise for the art. I’d still have to create a box for it, which I’ve never done, and I’d need to write a book to go with it. I do have one about half-written, so while overwhelming, it’s not a deal-breaker. Honestly, I would love to make this a reality, but I feel discouraged by the work involved.

I need to expand into YouTube with readings. I’m also intimidated by it. My Patreon is small and cute, and I’d love to expand it further. I know the best way to do so is by expanding into other platforms.

I’m working on turning my first novel into a published novel. I’ve always sat firmly against self-publishing for most people. I am not about to say that I’m not most people. The reality is that there are so many books self-published every single year, to the tune of millions, that you become one in a sea of shit. It floors me how many people believe that they have gold without asking another person to read it first. Criticism can be hard to swallow, but yes is found in the land of no. I want to succeed, and I’m willing to hear all the no’s first. I know it’s a good story. I even came close to a publishing deal with it once, but we disagreed on a couple of key story elements. It was a relatively conservative publishing house, and one of my characters can be a wee bit crude at times. I’ve asked a friend who is a master editor to read over the manuscript, and I’ve been looking at cover artists. If I self-publish, I will do it correctly.

I have an emotional hangup, though. I haven’t really spilled much personal stuff over the last few months to the void. Let me sum quickly… Personal life, I’m happier than I have words for. I have peace in my heart, fire in my belly, and a calm in my mind. I’m downright gleeful. Work stuff I’m writing this blog about…

And my family stuff? A mess. It causes so much anxiety I feel like I spend huge chunks of my days blocking it out. And then I feel like an asshole for doing so. My father is an alcoholic, a dry drunk, and a man in so much pain that he doesn’t think life is worth living anymore. He’s pushing every person in his life away and causing huge rifts. Things I don’t know that he’ll ever come back from. It’s not my place to talk about his relationships with other family members, but mine doesn’t exist anymore. I feel like my father died, and I still see the ghost of the man he was.

My father and I used to write together. I’ve never had an overly close relationship with my dad. He worked a lot, and for other reasons, I’m not ready to delve into here. It was what it was. So, my favorite memories are about books, stories, or movies. When we started writing together, it was the first time in my life I felt truly connected to him. It was like getting to know him all over again and for the first time. I was always envious of my sisters’ connections with him. It took 30 years, but I finally had this special bond with my dad. This book I want to publish is a story close to his heart. If I’m honest, I don’t know that I’m emotionally prepared to have conversations again about writing with him. I don’t want to give him an out. I’m hurt, but I don’t want to hold a grudge on behalf of other family either. I support and love other members of my family and whatever choices they make. But I have to make this one for me. I like to think that publishing this book could bridge a rift with him, but I also know if it doesn’t, it will crush me. So I maintain my indifference for now. I want to move forward with publication, but I don’t know how to move forward with him.

So there’s that.

For years I kind of joke about making a podcast. I love the idea, but I don’t anticipate anything coming from it—just an opportunity to have fun. I do think it would be fun to do with another person, though. Something kind of nerdy, maybe. Like a Buffy, The Vampire Slayer episode breakdown, which, if successful, could move into Angel, and then Dollhouse, before hitting up other Joss Whedon films. I think it sounds like an insane amount of fun. Or one about books, or a specific author, or writing, or tarot or movies. Plus, who would do it with me? I’d want to film with someone for sure. Then I think to myself, I have so many other projects, should I be adding one more? I’m still actively creating new art for a new tarot deck, maintaining a small social life, and dating the most amazing man I know.

At the end of the day, I still need to find regular work because none of these things are stable income. Covid layoffs were rough, and I know that part of the job hunt problem has been a lack of heart. I miss teaching, but I’m not qualified to do so in the capacity I’d like to. HR stuff is fine, but I don’t feel passionate about it. I wish I could create a job for myself. And then I cycle back to the top of this list. Where I think about all these projects I have and how to make a sustainable income with them. My brain spins, and I feel like I inch forward but never with vigor.


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